How to identify and leave a toxic relationship ON RELATIONSHIP TALK with Shade Mary-Ann Olaoye and JAMIE DUCHARME.
TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.
It’s a common
refrain: relationships are hard work. Fights are normal and rough patches are
part of the course.
True as that may be, however, these platitudes can distract from legitimate causes for concern in one’s social and romantic life — including signs that a relationship may have become, or always was, toxic.
What is a toxic relationship?
Dr. Lillian Glass,
a California-based communication and psychology expert who says she coined the
term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any
relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s
conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where
there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
While every relationship goes through ups and downs, Glass says a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones. Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician who specializes in mental health, adds that toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants.
These relationships don’t have to be romantic only: friendly, familial and professional relationships can all be toxic as well.
What are the warning signs of a toxic relationship?
The most serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which should be dealt with immediately. But in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are much more subtle.
The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness. If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you’ve sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples.
Negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too. These changes could range from clinically diagnosable conditions, such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders, to constantly feeling nervous or uncomfortable — especially around your partner. Feeling like you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your significant other is another sign that something is amiss.
You should also look out for changes in your other relationships, or in the ways you spend your free time. “You may feel bad for doing things on your own time, because you feel like you have to attend to your partner all the time. “You cross the line when you’re not your individual self anymore and you’re giving everything to your partner.”
Finally, concern from family or friends should be taken seriously, particularly since people in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. Brocke says that was true of her relationships, which perpetuated the damage for years.
“By the time I actually started realizing I was in something that wasn’t healthy, it was so normal to me that it didn’t seem like that big a deal,” Brocke says. “You get paralyzed in it, because you’re just used to it.”
What makes a
relationship toxic?
People
who consistently undermine or cause harm to a partner — whether intentionally
or not — often have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious.
“Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child.
Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing.” “They could have been bullied in school. They could be suffering from an
undiagnosed mental health disorder, such as depression or anxiety or bipolar
disorder, an eating disorder, any form of trauma.”
That was the case for Carolyn Gamble, a 57-year-old, Maryland-based motivational speaker who says she fell into toxic relationships after a tumultuous childhood marked by losing her mother to a drug overdose, and suffering physical abuse at the hands of her father. When she grew up, she found some of the same themes in her marriage to her now-ex-husband, who she says became verbally and emotionally abusive. “I realized in this life, regardless of the cards that we’re dealt, sometimes there are things that we have to let go,” she says.
Sometimes, toxic relationships are simply the result of an imperfect pairing — like two people who both need control, or a sarcastic type dating someone with thin skin. “It’s just that the combination is wrong.
Heidi Westra Brocke, a 46-year-old chiropractor living in Illinois, is familiar with these mismatches. Brocke considers herself an empath and a people-pleaser, and grew up “assuming everybody was nice and everybody wanted what was best for you.” Instead, she says her personality attracted controlling partners who forced her to sacrifice her needs for theirs, and constantly work for approval that never came.
Though they had very different stories, both Brocke and Gamble say they endured toxic relationships for years — underscoring that no two bad relationships are exactly alike.
Here’s what you need to know about toxic relationships, and how to tell if you’re in one.
Relationships are
not perfect 100% of the time but for the most part, even in the middle of a disagreement, you should always feel safe, secure, loved, and cared for.
If a relationship
in any form or setting such as romance or friendship does not make you feel
safe and always leaves you drained, devalued, and unhappy throughout its
course, then it can be identified as a toxic relationship.
Toxic relationships contaminate you and depending on how long you continue to stay in one, it continues to steal large parts of your happiness, creates an atmosphere of fear, and leaves you with little or no belief in yourself. Sometimes, they do not start as toxic, they come in the best possible form until the pollution begins and bad feelings fester.
How can you
tell if you are in a toxic relationship?
It makes you feel
bad, all the time
If the thought of
the relationship, the prospect of seeing that person the next day or all week
creates a sad feeling in your heart, haunts you and affects your mind, rather
of the expected feeling of happiness and productivity, you need to ask yourself
why you react that way.
You are drained because it is all giving and no taking
Mutual exchange of
care, love, and support is important, you show up for them but there is
persistent unreliability on their part to show up for you. In a relationship,
compromises are not supposed to come from one person. If you are the one who
takes this burden, it can get pretty lonely and exhausting.
There is abuse
These are red flags and should be instant deal-breakers. Understand that abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional or the three.
Physical Abuse:
-They slap, kick, beat you or threaten to do these.
e.t.c
Verbal Abuse:
-They say words that make you feel less of yourself.
-They insult you both in public and in private.
-They speak demeaning words about you even in your presence and dare you to deny them.
-They create a hostile environment where you feel scared and threatened to speak your mind, to say no.
e.t.c
Emotional Abuse:
-They make you understand that without them, you are nothing.
-Some even tend to remind you that they made you what you are today.
-These are signs that they never want you to be independent, rather, they want to dominate and intimidate you always, a healthy relationship should never be like this.
Abuse should never be
excused or taken lightly, your life and mental health might be at risk.
What should you do
if you’re in a toxic relationship?
If the harm is emotional or mental, you’ll have to decide if it’s possible to work through the issue. If underlying triggers such as depression or trauma are influencing one or both individuals’ behaviors, therapeutic or medical treatments may help. Getting to the root of the problem is important, but sometimes, the answer may be to walk away.
“I really am a firm believer that you have to try to work everything out and understand why the person is toxic. You may be able to live with it — but on the other hand, you may not,” Glass says. “[If you can’t], you’ve got to get out of it. We have to not put ourselves in that position.”
Brocke and Gamble took that advice in their own lives, and both say they’re better for it. Brocke is now happily remarried and coaches women who are leaving toxic relationships. Gamble is purposefully single and runs a nearly 7,000-person toxic relationships support group on Facebook.
“Love should never cost you your peace. It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness,” Gamble says. “If there’s more negative in the situation than positive, something has to change.”
How to leave a toxic relationship
Don’t lie to
yourself
We do not like to
admit that we are being taken advantage of. We also feel ashamed sometimes
because we weren’t aware enough to see through a situation. The first step to
leaving a toxic relationship is admitting you are in one, that the person
checks off all the red flags and invokes demeaning feelings in you.
Seek help and surround yourself with positivity
When leaving a
toxic relationship, you need help from friends, families, and professionals to
see you through and commit you to make that change. Surround yourself with the
right kind of friends, the ones that are empathetic towards your situation, and
are committed to their personal development just as you are.
Express yourself
Sometimes, leaving
a toxic relationship starts with telling the person that they are indeed toxic
and you would like to break things off. This provides a clear and clean cutoff.
However, I do not recommend this in verbal and physical abuse situations, it is better to do this with a lot of family members and friends around.
Talk about this with your family members, a spiritual leader, elders and all.
Then, WALK AWAY!!!
Repeat affirmations to yourself as you take steps to leave a toxic relationship. Agree that you are amazing and you also deserve just as much time, care, love support, and attention that you have been giving to your partner.
Do not allow yourself to be murdered in a toxic relationship, WALK AWAY!, I repeat, WALK AWAY!!. Do not stay in a toxic relationship because you are afraid of what the world will say, or because of your children, when you die in that relationship, the world will still say you were foolish and if it is because of your children, when you die, they will end up being MALTREATED, so why don't you walk away WITH THOSE CHILDREN and SEEK FOR HELP. May God help us all.
Till next time on RELATIONSHIP TALK,
remember, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.
Good-bye!
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